How to grieve spiritually: the art of lament

The Bible responds to these questions through an ancient writing style known as lament. It isn’t about suppressing emotions or sweeping difficult questions under the carpet. Instead, it’s about experiencing pain in all its fullness – and how it fits within a spiritual framework.

Why not see if this ancient practice can shine a light on how you balance grief and spirituality today?

How do you handle grief?

Grief often raises lots of questions. Perhaps you have questions about your own loss, wondering why it’s happened, how you’ll get through it, and when you’ll stop feeling this way.

And for those who are religious, spiritual or exploring spirituality, grief can also force us to ask questions about ourselves and what we believe.

Throughout history, belief systems have offered strength, hope and comfort in the darkest of times. And yet, when our loss threatens to overwhelm us, it’s easy for doubt to worm its way in.

So, is it possible to believe in a higher presence when grief feels painfully heavy? And how have those who’ve gone before us found ways to balance their spiritual beliefs alongside their pain?

In this piece, we explore a biblical response to these questions, known as lament. Born out of suffering, fear, doubt and isolation, lament offers a guide on how to hold grief and spirituality together. Why not see what you make of it?

What is the meaning of lament?

The OED describes lament as ‘a passionate or demonstrative expression of grief’.

It isn’t quiet, delicate or remotely pretty. It’s deep, intense and sometimes noisy.

And the Bible is packed with plenty of examples of it.

But this ancient text doesn’t just describe moments when characters weep and wail; it also includes plenty of examples of lamentation literature – a writing style that expresses pain, frustration and confusion, often using surprisingly blunt and brutal language.

There’s an entire book dedicated to it, appropriately named Lamentations. And some scholars conclude that around one-third of the songs listed in the Book of Psalms are classed as psalms of lament too.

But what’s lament all about? Is it still relevant? And can it offer us a way of holding grief and spirituality together in the twenty-first century?

What is lament in the Bible?

Whether it’s God, the universe or the stars aligning, it’s a lot easier to believe in a higher presence when things are a bed of roses, right? But when life’s tough – well, that’s different ...

Lament is about this second bit: the difficult bit. The part of faith that deals with the messy, lonely and heartbreaking periods of life.

It’s the early Israelite writers’ approach to grief.

It’s a way of expressing pain – and the myriad emotions that come with it – within a religious framework.

It isn’t about turning a blind eye to pain or suffering. Nor is it about pushing down how we feel and entering ‘toxic positivity’ territory either.

Instead, it’s a way of asking big questions about why painful things happen and how we can get through them. It's about actually feeling what we need to feel and expressing what we need to express – in this case, to a higher presence.

And it’s also about searching for hope, even on those days when hope feels so far away.

To me, lament offers a message that we don’t have to hide how we really feel. And it also says we aren’t alone in our pain.

These ancient words reach out across time to say: ‘you know that pain you’re experiencing? I’ve felt that too. You know those questions you’re asking? I was asking those too. And if you can’t quite find your own words right now, that’s okay: you can borrow mine, if you like.’

Here are a few reminders that I believe the psalms of lament continue to offer us today ...

Things to remember when you’re grieving as a spiritual person

Lesson 1: negative emotions are normal

It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that those who believe in a higher presence – especially a loving one – don’t feel the same depths of despair as others.

Sadly, I’ve seen too many people try to support others with phrases like, ‘everything happens for a reason’. And although this is often said with good intentions, it isn’t always what the person needs to hear at that moment. Extreme examples of this mentality can cause real and lasting damage.

Everyone handles grief differently. And just because you hold certain spiritual or religious views, it doesn’t mean you’re immune to experiencing deep grief. Perhaps you feel it even more deeply.

The psalms of lament remind us that grief and pain are a part of our human experience. Negative emotions are the result of that – and have been for thousands of years. They show us that there is nothing wrong, bad or shameful about feeling deeply, including for those of us with spiritual views.

Lesson 2: there’s power in expressing your feelings

Who do you share your grief with? Perhaps a family member, friend, therapist or higher presence? Who’s shared their pain with you in the past, and how have you been able to support them in it?

The lament psalms aren’t just about feeling our feelings. They’re also about expressing them. They’re actively directed at someone – in this case, God.

But they also would have been sung, expressed and felt as part of a wider community. And having community in times of grief is powerful. Even if it’s just the knowledge that we aren’t alone in it, sharing our pain can make it feel a little less heavy.

To me, the lament psalms offer a reminder that expressing our feelings is a good thing. And they also show that it’s a spiritual thing. We don’t have to hide our true feelings in prayer. We don’t have to say everything’s sunny when it isn’t. The lament psalms say that God cares about the big stuff and the small stuff, the joy and the heartbreak.

Is that how you approach prayer, if it’s part of your spiritual life?

Lesson 3: it’s normal to have big questions during difficult times

Don’t be fooled into thinking that people who read the Bible have it all figured out.

Even the lament psalms themselves – the songs that have actually made it into the Bible – show otherwise.

In them, the writers explore how to hold their faith and grief together. This included challenging God when they felt abandoned – and asking why such awful things are happening to them.

Just look at this line from Psalm 42:

And maybe that surprises you. Perhaps you thought the Bible’s songbook would only feature songs of praise – happy tunes about the goodness of God. Or at least, not songs that straight up challenge God.

Personally? I find their honesty pretty refreshing. The lament psalms say it’s okay to ask questions. And, to me, it’s a reminder that a lot more of us are asking questions than it first seems.

But what do you make of it? If you were to question God about your situation right now, what would you say?

Lesson 4: it’s possible to hold grief and hope together

What brings you hope in uncertain times?

Psalm 88 aside (more on that shortly), the lament psalms end with a message of hope.

Surprised? It might seem like the last thing you’d expect given the subject matter and the language. I mean, the lament psalms don’t hold back – they’re very bleak at times.

But they aren’t purely about expressing present pain. The psalmists also search for perspective, offering us a reminder that we’re in a challenging space right now, but emotions and situations are rarely permanent: brighter times lie ahead.

For the writers, this was rooted in their belief in a higher, loving presence, one who is with them in their pain; one who offers a vision of hope for the future.

But what if the pain’s too much to handle right now?

It’s true that the lament psalms almost always include a message of hope.

But Psalm 88 is different. There is no silver lining. There is no message of hope. And it’s unique for this reason.

It ends with these lines: 

So why is Psalm 88 in the Bible?

We don’t know exactly what happened to the author of this psalm – or where life took them after writing this.

But we do know that, at the time of writing, he was in the depths of despair and he’s not afraid to show it.

Psalm 88 offers a raw, honest and heartfelt account of what it means to be in pain.

But despite the fact that it doesn’t feature a message of hope, I don’t think this automatically means that the writer had abandoned his faith.

Yes, he felt abandoned. Yes, he wanted to know why God hadn’t pulled him out of this pain. And no, he couldn’t quite bring himself to celebrate God or look to brighter days.

But he still turned to God in all of this. And perhaps this makes Psalm 88 one of the most powerful pieces in the book.

Perhaps the very fact that it exists at all offers a glimmer of hope for those of us who are trying to work out how to handle grief and pain. It shows us that faith is a complex thing, and even those who seem to have it all together often have questions beneath the surface – the Bible writers certainly did.

Psalm 88 says that it’s okay to have questions and still have faith. It's okay to say today is a dark day where feeling hopeful might just be one step too far. Maybe all we can do right now is cry out the pain in lament. With time, we might be able to speak of the hope we have in it too.

Lamenting your loss: how to grieve as a spiritual person

Could lament help you as you process your loss?

If you want to explore lament for yourself, you might find it helpful to read a lament psalm and see how its words resonate with you. Why not read it as though it’s your own prayer?

Some options include:

• Psalm 13: a piece that asks God for help
• Psalm 22: a song that expresses anguish and praise
• Psalm 44: a prayer for protection
• Psalm 88: a cry for help (the only psalm without a commitment to praise)

Or, if you were to put a lament psalm into your own words, or apply it to your own situation, how would it sound?

You might like to take some of the key features of lament to guide you through your own expressive form of prayer.  

The psalms of lament often include these elements:

• An address to God
• Celebrating God’s past faithfulness
• An expression of grief, fear or injustice
• Sometimes, the writer says sorry for what they’ve done – or claims they’re innocent and questions their situation
• Finding something to stay hopeful about

Are lament psalms used elsewhere in the Bible?

Drawing on the psalms of lament is a common pattern throughout the Bible.

An example of this is found in the New Testament, which says that Jesus uses the words of Psalm 22 after being sentenced to a long, gruesome death on the cross. He cried out, saying: ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’, reflecting how the Psalms resonate in moments of pain. 

But, for those who view Jesus as God in human form, this part often raises questions. Why would Jesus ask God why he had abandoned him if he was really God? Surely that means he wasn’t really abandoned?

Lots of different interpretations have been made, but many focus on the fact that Jesus says this as a human – when he’s experiencing one of the most excruciating death sentences possible.

What do you think the writers might have been trying to get at when they included this detail? Is this their way of highlighting Jesus’ humanity? And, if this is how Jesus felt in that moment, does that have anything to say about how we feel pain – and how we can express that through lament?

You might also be interested in: